Shakespeare & The Dear John
The Lost Art of Writing a Dear John
Frailty thy name is woman!
-Hamlet - Act I, Scene II
To be valid, a Dear John must follow a strict unwritten protocol. There must be three paragraphs with an optional fourth.
Parting is such sweet sorrow...
-Romeo and Juliet - Act II, Scene II
The first is the punch in the gut paragraph that gets to the brunt of the matter and begins something like: “There’s this guy see and....” This paragraph ends with the Jane’s about to happen wedding date.
That it should come to this!
-Hamlet - Act I, Scene II
The second paragraph is the No-Fault declaration where the Jane professes her undying faithfulness before a totally unexpected happening, over which she had no control, happened. Totally, unintended! And, she knows he wants nothing but the best for her, inferring that he is deficient if he doesn’t concede.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
-Hamlet - Act III, Scene II
The third is the cheerleader paragraph. The Jane thanks the John for all the fun things they did, which she will always remember. Then gushes to the John about what a wonderful special person he is and how she admires him and knows he will do wonderful things.
These words are razors to my wounded heart.
-Titus Andronicus - Act I, Scene I
The optional fourth paragraph is necessary if the Jane has an engagement ring or other personal property of the John. Here Jane explains how this is returned.
That is the true beginning of our end.
-A Midsummer Night’s Dream - Act V, Scene I
It is inconsiderate for the letter not to spill over to the backside of the single sheet Dear John. This can easily be done by choosing the narrowest acceptable stationary, using wide margins with plenty of space between lines for easy reading and puffing the third paragraph—filling a quarter to half of the backside. To fill the full backside would be overdoing it.
This is the short and the long of it
-The Merry Wives of Windsor - Act II, Scene II
Dear Johns with all the long romantic correspondence that proceeded, were a healthy bump to the US Postal Service when I was young in the 1950-60’s, when military service was mandatory and in my culture a church mission semi-mandatory. If you had a high school sweetheart your romance was in double-jeopardy of a Dear John if you didn’t squeeze marriage in somewhere after high school graduation, which some did.
But love is blind, and lovers cannot see
-The Merchant of Venice - Act I, Scene III
After high school I did both the mandatory and semi-mandatory service for my church and country, putting me on hand at the arrival of numerous Dear Johns. There are the pseudo Dear Johns created in the passions of a whirlwind romance created by departure, short term puppy love; these arrive within weeks. One Sad Sack who wrote long letters to his Juliet every night over a five week period got his fourth letter with only two words between the hello and goodbye:
“Buzz Off.”
Nothing will come of nothing.
-King Lear - Act I, Scene I
The man who slept in the bunk next to me after reading his letter proudly announced to everyone in the barracks, “I’ve just received my first Dear John,” read it aloud, took out his lighter, walked to the red butt can hanging on the post and burned it. If the military had awarded to receivers of Dear John’s a medal for their sacrifice this soldier’s ribbon for the medal on his discharge would have been covered from one end to the other with Oak Leaf clusters.
The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.
-Henry V, Act IV, Scene IV
The legit Dear Johns mark the sad end of a serious relationship. A John I know dated his Jane from eight grade through two years of college. Two months before his return he got his obligatory front—and back half page. He walked out of the house to a phone booth a block away, for privacy, and called his Jane collect. He returned thirty-minutes later in disbelief, went home in two months, got married to someone else in six months and appears to have lived happily-ever-after.
Can one desire too much of a good thing?
-As You Like It - Act IV, Scene I
Some Johns are tragic. I know of a soldier who shot himself and a missionary who returned a year early in a deep depression.
How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes!
-As You Like It - Act V, Scene II
There are two danger periods when most Dear Johns arrive: six to nine months in, and two to four months before returning. Most are received shortly before the wedding of the Jane. I used to think that the Janes were putting-of an unpleasant and embarrassing task. Not true. The Janes are smart and know that two birds in the hand are better the one bird in the bush and keep it both hands full as long as possible.
Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.
-Hamlet - Act II, Scene II
Janes don’t realize how public the traditional Dear John is. They are read aloud, passed around, posted on bulletin boards, laughed at and cursed before their final destruction.
Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart:
-Troilus and Cressida - Act 5, Scene III
The internet has made Dear Johns archaic. All that is needed now is: two words (Buss Off) followed by a string of emojis. It’s a lost art form.
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